Well, then.

Funnily enough, it happened the other day that I managed to stumble across my own blog. Well, less stumble, and more recall its existence. It came during a conversation where I reminisced on my delightful denial phase of being 'hipster'. Digging up this post and reading it back to myself nearly two years later stirred a few feelings in my tummy that I wasn't sure how to grapple with. While I managed to stifle the urge to read through the rest of my archives that night, when I woke up the next morning the feeling was still there, so it was with fresh eyes and a nostalgic heart that I read through every last post I ever made on this blog.

And the epiphanies had.

The first thing I noticed was the distinct feeling of detachment from what I was reading - it didn't feel like I was reading my own work, there was no emotional attachment. Now that I consider it, I think the key difference (in comparing to the tumblr blogging experience I've favoured of late) is that, as I have mentioned in earlier posts, everything on tumblr is posted raw. There's a bubble of emotion and it spills in a sentence or a short paragraph and it's gone. It's pasted as black text on a white screen is dispelled before any sense can be made of it. Dissimilarly, nothing ever was (and never will be) posted here without serious consideration and pre-emptive thought. That level of detachment for a long time helped me make sense of everything that was swirling around in my head. I guess that's why I'm back.

A second thing I noticed was the quality of my writing. Depressingly enough, it seems that fifteen-year-old katt has a more eloquent way with words than eighteen-year-old katt. Proof of the Sylvia Plath effect, it seems. Seeing something like this almost makes the state I was in feel worth it for such effortlessly readable pieces of work. The quality of my vocabulary has reached an all time low, with no sign on exponential revival. Maybe I should start reading more. Maybe I should start reading again, full stop. It's a funny thing, melancholy.

It also made me quite nostalgic for the times during which I wrote more frequently. Even though I was so utterly miserable, I still managed to find and hold on to some kind of contentedness. In hindsight, obviously everything was intensely dramatised, and I simultaneously giggle and cringe at most of the memories. But it was still something to cling to, if only a state of mind. Or maybe something else. Who even knows. Either way, some warm and fuzzies are impossible to replicate unless you suddenly become naive again, and that kinda sucks.

The last thing I noted was the tone of my posts. To put it bluntly, I was evidently a seriously troubled girl for a considerable about of time. Before I continue, I would just like to extend my deepest apologies to those who had to witness those dark, dark days. And not only the people who tolerated me everyday at school, but those who read my ramblings, those who I know won't read this but spent months relentlessly attempting to help me before I became too much to handle. Reading everything again in this new state of being has really made clear the progress I've made in my life over the last three years. While each of those years have been filled with a lengthy series of poor life choices, I stand at the end of it an exceedingly improved human being.

As much as this reading made me realise the amount I've changed, it's also made me realise what parts of me have remained true. Remembering the whim of working in the darkroom, my passion for baking, the sarcastic and dry take I have on the world - they have all helped me make the definition between what was my illness and what is my personality, as well as realising that some habits die hard. For example, I write this instead of the 2,500 word major essay which was due today, and for which the text I'm writing on was bought today (though I don't think it really matters, since I failed to hand in my extra assessment to save me from liable failure). But that's okay.

While this is hardly the beginning of a new chapter in life, it certainly has helped me realise exactly where I've found myself, and revived the warm idea of moving forward to happier places than this.
And hopefully I'll find the bollocks to stick around a bit longer this time.
If I don't, I'll bring you milk and cookies.

You know you love me
x0x0 Gossip Goat.

Ugh.

It's been an excruciatingly long time since I've bothered to post on this blog, let along write anything of consequence. It is time, I have decided, to change that.

The past three months have been what could very concisely be described as an emotional rollercoaster. Life has changed a lot. My surroundings, my priorities, my friends, my attitudes have all changed a lot. I have changed a lot. While all of these things can be attributed different causes, they are all essentially connected and are a result of the fact that I left high school for university, and all the events that occurred as a result of that transition.

One of the main shifts that have happened since starting university is, to put it bluntly, I'm not depressed anymore. People from my high school who have seen me since have even noticed and noted that I 'look happier' - because I am happier. I'm no longer in a place where I felt stifled, imprisoned, and judged, not to mention generally out of place. There isn't the pressure, the hatred of institution, nor the feeling that I don't belong. I feel like I can breathe again. I'm even writing again - something I hadn't found the strength within me to do for more than a year and a half.

The other principal change that my move was the catalyst for is my change in company. I'm sure this will eventually be found by one or some of those who have been 'victims' of this change, and to be frank, I hope it is and I hope reading this will give them a better idea of what is actually going on.

There were few people who actually supported me in my decision, and that hurt. However, it didn't take me long to realise that they were either immature/narrow-minded or or some form of jealous and/or envious of what I was doing. In most cases, it was a comfortable combination of both.
Those friendships which I manage to maintain after I left went well for a while, until life got in the way and my social life went of hiatus for a couple of weeks. This is the point where things started to fall apart and started to get messy. I'm not even going to try to beat around the bush here. I've had it up to my nose and I'm sick of being polite and still receiving anonymous messages on tumblr.

So, here is a bullet list of all the things that some people can't seem to get and should probably try to :

• That thing called friendship? Yeah, it goes both ways.
  ~ I haven't been talking to you? That's funny, I don't remember you talking to me either.
• Lack of contact for a week, or two weeks, or a month, or however long it may be - does not equate to abandonment. There is a thing called life that sometimes gets in the way of what you'd rather be doing. Shit happens, and sometimes studies need to be prioritised above one's social life. If you're going to judge somebody for that, you need to re-evaluate your thinking.
• If you're going to change your expectations of someone and not let them know, don't be surprised when they don't do what you want and you end up disappointed.
• If you're going to inform someone of your change in expectations passive-aggressively, don't expect expect to be paid attention to.
• If you want me to make an effort for you, then you're going to have to do the same, or at least engage in the effort I make. You're writing a self-fulfilling prophecy if you do otherwise, in which case maybe you need to rethink a few things.
• Being at university does not, I repeat, it does not give me the idea that I am in any way superior to anybody else. If you believe that I think myself 'better' than you for where I study, get your head out your fucking arse.
• Posting bitter anonymous messages on my tumblr is not going to make me feel guilty. If you genuinely have an issue with something I've done, that is not the way to go about confronting me or resolving a issue. Find the backbone to put your name to a criticism and I will be more than willing to talk it out. Deciding to be anon is only proving that you are immature and don't have the social skills to actually resolve an issue with someone, in which case have fun thinking you've accomplished something.

I think I feel better now for having said all that. 

PS. To all those who are reading and on their way to finishing year 12 - wishing you all the very best of luck in the last of your assignments, in your exams, and whatever you plan to do afterwards. You're all doing a lot better than what I would have if I were still there.

I'm now officially a university student.

Suck on that, bitches.

Don't you think it's time.

I've had to make some big decisions in the last few weeks.
Life-altering decisions.

And while there are countless people who are disappointed in me, who no longer respect me, who think I'm a fucking idiot, or have written me off as a friend, I don't regret my decision.
And as much as it upset me that people have reacted this way, I've decided that I don't care.

For once, I'm making my own opportunities.
I'm taking a risk.
I'm making a decision because this is what I want to do, and what I know is best for me.


So everybody, welcome to the blog of an official highschool "dropout" who will, as of July the 7th, be an official university student.

Oh.

I always used to complain to my mother that, compared to other teenagers, I was a good kid.
~ I did well in school.
~ My friends were a good influence.
~ I didn't go out all the time or stay out late.
~ I didn't smoke
~ Piercing and tattoos never crossed my mind
~ I didn't drink
~ I had no intention of ever touching drugs

And then came the moment when I realised that of all the things I was convinced made me a decent child, not one single thing is relevant anymore.

It kind of sucks.

Tired.

Tired of expecting people to stick to their word.
Tired of copping abuse for the incompetence of said people.
Tired of having to pick up the slack of said people.
Tired of cleaning up other people's messes.
Tired of constantly feeling like a third wheel.
Tired of socialising, of tolerating people.

Actually, just tired of people.
Just plain, fucking tired.

I'm going to bed now.

Amber Appreciation Post

Can I just take a moment to profess my undying love for Amber, please?

Oh wait, of course I fucking can this is my blog.

Would just like to extend a congratulations to my lovely friend who has recently reached FOUR THOUSAND VIEWS on her blog, The Thoughts of Amber  (formerly Thoughts of a Contemplative Daughter).

<3